17!

Quite some birthday gift to me today. My dad’s been different since I stood up to him, not nice, but he hasn’t tried to hit me. He even apologized this morning and gave me a new car. I’m not sure if we’ll ever repair our relationship, or if I even want to, but it’s nice not to be his punching bag anymore.

On top of that my poem was published in the school’s newspaper. The one about my Tom – Ms. Higgins agreed to publish it anonymously, but this morning Tom came up and talked to me for the first time in over 9 months.

Cat told him that she though I’d written the poem, and that it was about my him… she also told him about my dad. I guess she ended up switching high schools, and that’s all I needed to hear to know that I’ll probably never see her again.

He wanted to forgive me, and what was nice to hear was that he wanted me to forgive him… It’s in a delicate state right now, but I think I’m gonna get my best friend back.  

Happy Birthday to me! 17 years. 

"As for the future, your task is not to forsee it, but to enable it." - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

I always wait until the last day of classes to share with my students, my own personal struggle with anger, fear, and control. It took the life of my unborn child, and nearly took the life of the one woman I care more about than any other woman in the world. It’s not an easy story to tell, but I think it needs to be heard, and I think it’s a good way to end the classes. Aside from that, what a joyous day today was!

Of course, like every new class, some of my students got more out of it than others, but what was the highlight of my day, was Jacob.

Thinking back to the first couple class days, Jacob was closed off to everyone who tried to help him, and now, he was the one in class this morning to admit to his wrongdoings. On top of that, he has asked if he could come back… to continue coming to classes and continue learning, despite the fact that he is no longer required to do so.

I am excited to continue helping Jacob, and to help the next batch of young people who attend my classes. 

Hello strength

I DID IT! My dad got pissed off again today, he spilled Mountain Dew all over the place and then asked me to clean it up and I said NO.

I knew that denying him would make him even more mad, but I had had it. I will no longer be his punching bag, and today… I told him. I finally stood up to my father. 

Update

So I know it’s been awhile… not too much has changed. School’s out, and today was my last day of anger management class. I finally understand what the entire class was about.

I was a loser. I was a loser who beat on my girlfriend because I was scared. It wasn’t okay, and it is never okay to hit a girl.

Mario told us his own story… he was one of us. He got rid of that voice that’s been stuck in my head for years… the one that tells me I’m not good enough. He did it by continuously coming back to the classes and eventually teaching them.

I wanna do it, and when he asked, he said I could.

I’ll be back next week! 

AHHH!!!!!!

School’s finally out, and I found out that I got accepted into Frederick High School of the Arts!

I don’t think I could be happier than right now! 

:D 

"I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better." - Georg C. Lichtenberg

I can see the change in the boys since finding out about Leo.

Although it was a dramatic way to do it… it’s forcing them to open their eyes. 

I'm Sorry

Leo’s death’s got me thinking a lot. I know I’m not supposed to talk to her, but I had to apologize to her. She never deserved what I did to her. I stumbled over my words. I know she would never take me back, and I know I don’t deserve her forgiveness, but I had to let her know I was sorry.

“You didn’t deserve what I did to you. I loved you so much, Cat.”

“I can’t believe that anymore, Nick,” she said back, and then she hung up.

At least she know I’m sorry. 

It's too late...

Surprise, Surprise. He called me again today and apologized.

I can’t believe him anymore, but I hope he meant it. 

I couldn't have been THAT bad

He’s dead.

I knew something was up with Mario as soon as I walked into class today. He seemed to be somewhere else, not focused on the task at hand at all. He eventually came and sat by me, his eyes screaming to speak. “When I started doing this, they told me, you win some, you lose some. Always think about the one’s you’re helping, but…Leo’s dead, Nick.”

He shot Neysa before turning the gun around and shooting himself. What if I had answered those phone calls? What if he was allowed back in the class? They’re lives could have been spared. But what bothers me the most is the fact that Leo and I were the same. As much as I want to scream NO! I WOULD NEVER TO THAT TO CAT! My brain tells me different. What if I had done that? I can’t be that person!

"The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends and where the other begins?" - Edgar Allan Poe

I would like to take this time to pray for the lives of Leo Sotolongo and Neysa Martinez and their families.

It never get’s easier… finding out that you’ve lost one for good.

I was short in class today, and unfortunately, was unable to hold a proper class. I was fortunate that Jacob stayed after class and I was able to break the news to him more privately. Jacob and him had become friends during the small amount of time that they knew eachother, and it was hard to tell him.

It’s also hard thinking about the fact that Leo had asked me last week if he could come back to classes… he wanted to get Neysa back in his life… I never told him no, but only if he’d let me help him. He never thought he had a problem, or needed the help.

But he did, and it saddens be deeply to have lost him to an event that could have been prevented. 

RIP

He’s dead.

I knew something was up with Mario as soon as I walked into class today. He seemed to be somewhere else, not focused on the task at hand at all. He eventually came and sat by me, his eyes screaming to speak. “When I started doing this, they told me, you win some, you lose some. Always think about the one’s you’re helping, but…Leo’s dead, Nick.”

He shot Neysa before turning the gun around and shooting himself. What if I had answered those phone calls? What if he was allowed back in the class? They’re lives could have been spared. But what bothers me the most is the fact that Leo and I were the same. As much as I want to scream NO! I WOULD NEVER TO THAT TO CAT! My brain tells me different. What if I had done that? I can’t be that person!

Who was he?

I have to write about it. I need to get it off my chest… and not to my mom, not to Tom, not to Saint, not to my psychologist. I need to write it.

I love to sing. It’s my release, it’s my saving, and it’s my break away.

I really wanted to sing in the show. Everyone always told me how good my voice sounds, and everyone supported me being in the talent show. Everyone except Nick. We’d talked about it before, and he told me I’d agreed not to… but I was dying to sing. I had picked a song… it was about our love… the way I felt about him – but he said no.

I probably shouldn’t have gone behind his back, but I thought he would love it once he saw me sing.

My name was in the program, but I wasn’t going to sing. Then he went to the bathroom, and everyone told me to sing! Liana, Derek, Saint, Tom, Mrs. Reyes, everyone told me to sing. And I wanted to sing; I was dying to sing. I wanted to show Nick how much I loved him.

So I sang. I loved being on stage. I loved how free it made me feel.

The entire crowd cheered and applauded, but as soon as I walked off stage and outside, Nick was there. I could tell he wasn’t happy.

He was yelling at me. He was furious.

His eyes were as dark as I’d ever seen them, and it scared me.

He kept yelling for me to get in his car, but I didn’t want to leave… I wanted to see our friends, I wanted Nick to be proud of me. He wasn’t.

BITCH! And he slapped me… his hand was hard and fierce and my head smashed against the lamppost and I began to cry. I begged him to calm down… to please stop… but he hit me again… this time with his fist.

I could feel my face begin to throb. GET UP! He screamed, and punched me again… my eye began to swell and I could feel the blood ooze down my face. I felt his hands clamp around my neck.

What was happening? Who was he? What did I do?

The rest of the night is kind of a blur. I remembered Tom coming to my rescue… he punched Nick and he blacked out. “It’s gonna be okay… I’m so sorry Caitlin” Tom was apologizing… for what?

The only thing I remember after that was waking up in a hospital bed. Liana and Tom were there with my mom. “He will never hurt you again,” my mom told me.

What happened?

Who was I?

I wrote in my journal again. It was the time that I found out about Caitlin’s solo in the talent show. Up until this point it wasn’t talked about or mentioned and it was news to me when Saint mentioned that she was doing a solo. How dare she go behind my back and do this after I told her not too? To get back at her I asked Ashley out on a date to the Rusty Pelican, Cat’s and my place, and that got Cat irked. “You go there, singing like you do, looking like a fat slob, people will laugh,” I told her. I was so worked up that she defied me. Caitlin agreed and I canceled the date with Ashley but as she walked away she whispered in my ear “call me when you guys break up.”

I was like Leo.

Goodbye Leo

Mario pissed me off today… on purpose. He kept asking about what I was feeling… “pissed off and sleeping can’t be your only emotions.” What does he know? I mean I know why he was doing it; he wanted me to hit him. The same way I hit Caitlin. Luckily class let out, but unfortunately my day didn’t get much better.

I agreed to volunteer with Leo and Neysa at the carnival, but Leo was acting really mean towards Neysa. She was late meeting up with him and he was pissed off the rest of the day. I told him to cool it but he kept ordering her around and she kept pleading with him not to. He even raised his hand to her and despite her pleading he continued… he didn’t listen.

We got the three other girls to cover for the rest of our shift, but I’m not planning on seeing him again.

God, was I like that with Caitlin? 

"Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom, in the pursuit of truth as in the endeavour after a worthy manner of life." - Bertrand Russell

I think there were a few breakthroughs today. Not “the big one,” but I take pride in all victories.

Jacob opened up about what happened between him and his girlfriend.

I pushed back.

To have these boys tell me their stories and simply respond “okay, thank you for sharing,” would accomplish nothing. There would be no connections made, no light bulbs going off, no gripping who they were, so I push them back.

I pushed a lot of Jacob’s buttons today and made him furious… the point was, as I think he figured out, that despite how mad I made him, he wasn’t going to hit me. And it’s not about the fact that I’m his counselor, or that he’s required to be here, it has to do with the simple fact that he’s not trying to control my life. It has to do with the fear of loosing that person, that control, and grasping for ways that allow you to maintain them.

Today we discussed the three C’s: Compromise, Communication, and Control.

Better yet, today Jacob admitted to being afraid.  

Secret

Ms. Higgins read my poem. I’d refused to read it in class, it was no one else’s business, but I didn’t mind if she read it. BIG MISTAKE.

She figured out about my dad. She can’t say anything to him or anyone else! If he hears about this, he’ll just get meaner. 

I’m beginning to see how awful I was to Cat. There was a time when the normal crew all went to Mr. Pizza to grab a bite to eat. Everyone was telling Cat that she needed to audition for the talent show, but I couldn’t let her. I couldn’t have her parading herself around stage with everyone’s eyes ogling at her. She protested but as soon as she saw me make a fist she agreed with me that she’d just embarrass herself.

Caitlin didn’t mention the talent show again, but it still nags at me looking back. All I’d had to do was make a fist, and she’d given in. Or had she? 

He called again.

I asked him to stop.

I pray he does. 

Elsa told me Nick’s writing a poem about me.

Why can’t he just let me go? He obviously doesn’t love me… you don’t beat up people you love.

I should have left him long before the night of the talent show… he slapped me on the way back from Key West.

All I wanted to do was talk to him. He was acting so off… like he didn’t trust me; and I brought it up. He began driving like a lunatic… I thought he was going to kill us, and he slapped me in the face.

Why did I ever take him back? 

Screw Them!

There’s a black eye painted on my face… and this one’s not courtesy of my dad. Saint. And Tom was with him. They ambushed me after English class. After the punch Saint pinned my arms back and yelled, “Leave her alone!” But I wasn’t about to admit to anything so I put on my stone-cold face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Stop calling her!”

The conversation continued and then he said “Thanks for the flowers, I told Caitlin they were from me.”

I tore up the picture of Tom and I. 

The first time

I should be writing a poem for Higgins class, but all I can think about it Caitlin. I thought that writing about football would be an easy subject, but it’s not. She’s in my head and all I could do was write about her in my journal.

It was the first time I slapped her. We were driving back from Key West and she decided to bring up the bar incident. “I feel like you don’t trust me,” she said… and that was enough to set me off. “You don’t trust me?” I yelled back. I began driving recklessly, swerving back and forth between the two lanes on the bridge and I could tell Cat was scared, but I needed to show her.

There were only two lanes on the bridge and I swerved into the left lane, towards oncoming traffic… she needed to trust me. A bronco with a boat towed behind it was heading directly towards us and she wouldn’t stop screaming. God! She just needed to shut up.

Next thing I remember we were on dry land and my hand was throbbing. I knew I had hit her, but she needed to stop screaming, she needed to trust me. 

WTF

I went over to Leo’s today. I remember his story about how fucked up his step-dad was. It made my situation seem a little less bad, but I wasn’t expecting him to have a gun.

He took it out of a safe he had in his room. “Hector knows I have it and it’s loaded,” he said. He let me hold it and it felt like a thousand pounds in my hand. He told me I could borrow it anytime. 

Why would I ever call?

I told Mario I was afraid of violating my restraining order. I just need to see her, be around her, talk to her… and I can’t because of a stupid sheet of paper! He knows I’ve already violated it by speaking to her, but he didn’t yell at me or scold me, instead he gave me his number incase I ever need “to talk”… yah right, I’m never gonna call. 

Key West

We were in Key West. We walked right into a bar that didn’t check I.D.s and I had a little too much to drink. “Isn’t Caitlin beautiful?” I said. “Almost makes you forget how fat and ugly she was a few months ago.”

“Show them your tits, Cat” I had yelled. “Don’t you ever sit when I say stand!” I told her…

They were playing “Friends in Low Places” when the manager finally threw us out.  

"Your eyes show the strength of your soul." - Paulo Coelho

Jacob began to open up to me today, but as soon as he did, he constructed walls so high, and so strong, that it would take a giant to even begin to tear it down.

He told me how much he misses her; his girlfriend. I advised him that going against a restraining order would be the biggest mistake he could possibly make.

I also gave him my phone numbers.

To tell the truth, I understand where these boys are coming from, but as much as I wish I could just fix all of the broken pieces, I can’t do that. I wish I could take away all of their hurt and anger because it’s so difficult to have to watch them struggle with themselves, but it’s something that I can only advise them on… I can’t do it for them.

I AM happy

Ignoring him is getting easier.

I see him all the time, but Saint and I are so happy…

Mine

It’s been almost a week since Cat never showed up. I was so mad, I’m still hurt, but part of me understands. Today, when I was writing, I wrote about the time Kittycat got initiated into the sorority. It was the best night of my life.

It was tradition for the guys to crash the initiation. We had crept up to the window and we could hear and see everything the girls were doing. Cat stood there, in a hooded cape, and as part of initiation, all the girls went around and said how they truly felt about her. They were cruel and I became so infuriated. “But we love you anyways” they all said at the end. All the girls began to walk, and that’s when we ambushed the girls. Ashley and Whitney were pissed that we “ruined” their night. Whatever.

I knew Cat was hurting. I know that hearing those things hurt her more than the other girls could possibly know so when they all decided to ditch for the beach, I took Cat back to my house.

That night I knew she was mine forever. 

... or not

She never showed up. 

Luck!!!

Saint is such an ass. He came up to me today at my locker bragging about how hot Caitlin’s body is. “How come you never told me Caitlin had such a great body? Can’t appreciate it in those dresses she wears.” I couldn’t believe he was talking about her like she was a piece of meat… so I’m the scum and this guy is the hero? I had to call Caitlin, she had to know what a low-life O’Connor was, how filthy he was. Instead, she accused me of being the same way… I never said those things to the other guys, but apparently I put her down a lot, but I reminded her about the time with the dolphins. She’s the only person in the world that I ever showed them too. I miss her so much, and she knows, and I know she misses me too. She agreed to meet me at 6:30. 

Nick called me today. I told him to stop calling.

He told me Saint was bragging about my body to him. I told him it sounded like stuff he would say… but of course he denied it. Was he blind to the way he treated me? Blind to the fact that he made me want to die sometimes by the way he talked to me and acted towards me?

He brought up the dolphins.

That night was one of our best… but it doesn’t make up for all the other times. I told him I’d meet him there tonight.

I can’t go.

He doesn’t deserve me anymore. 

Trust

When is it okay to hit someone?

That was the question I served the boys this morning. Kyle answered correctly, but my younger students were having a difficult time finding the connections.

Today was about trust issues, or in other words, not trusting their girlfriend’s based off of nothing substantial… just the fact that they don’t trust them.

I had the boys make their Violence Policy today. It’s a list of appropriate, and inappropriate times to use violence as a solution. Perhaps the only time it is appropriate is in the act of self-defense, but only Kyle’s policy showed that. The rest of the boys created all sorts of scenarios that justified violence.

I feel like some of the boys, despite their trust issues, are beginning to trust me, or at least I hope so.

As my Uncle Gustavo used to say, “Confidence is that feeling by which the mind embarks in great and honorable courses with a sure hope and trust in itself.”

STOP FOLLOWING ME!!

I don’t care what his friend said… Nick was following me today.

I was with Elsa, down at Coconut Grove having a girls day, and he was following us. Elsa and I told a cop, and he went up to Nick.

I don’t know what was said, but one of Nick’s friends came up and the cop came back to us saying we must have been mistaken.

We weren’t mistaken. He was following me.

I wish he’d just leave me alone. 

Who Am I?

I didn’t follow Cat today. I didn’t tread on my bike searching for her yellow hair, and I surely did not almost get caught by a cop…

Well okay, maybe that last part is true. He came up and said that Cat and Elsa claimed that I was following them. Of course, she’s with Elsa. Luckily Leo came to my rescue. He got Neysa to drop the charges a couple weeks back and since then I haven’t seen him in class, but there he was, in Coconut Grove. He told the cop that the three of us were planning on meeting up there, not much else the cop could do. Leo said he’d help me get Caitlin back too.

In my journal I remembered the first time I raised my hand to Cat. I saw her with Derek at a singing rehearsal. I had accused her of trying to seduce him, “Why didn’t you throw him down and screw him right there?!” I yelled. She said it was just Derek, but I didn’t listen and I raised my hand. I didn’t hit her - it was just a gesture. I don’t think I would have hit her. Would I?

I spent the day with Saint today. It was lovely. We met up with the crew and it would have been a perfect day had it not been for running into Nick at the gas station. Luckily, he didn’t say anything, but I could feel him watching me the entire time. I’m with Saint now… Nick and I will never be together again – I wish he’d understand that. 

He's horrible

I decided to write about what a horrible guy O’Connor is. He’s always had it in for me, even when we were supposedly friends.

We were on the field, at a practice, and instead of throwing the ball to me, he took a penalty. “I didn’t see you Nick, sorry” he said… yeah right!

Screw O'Connor

I HATE HIM! Saint can go kill himself! And what the hell? Since when am I replaceable with him?

I saw them together. I saw Saint with Caitlin at the Texaco gas station and I couldn’t even ask her “why him?” I HATE HIM!

Why didn’t I notice the signs before? Looking back at our relationship I can’t help but to think I was blinded by my feelings for him.

He was controlling and abusive long before he laid a hand on me… telling me how to dress, bringing up my weight, calling me fat, saying I couldn’t sing… he never believed in me, but I never gave up on him. We were two of a kind.

At least that’s what I thought. 

BIRTHDAY!

It’s my birthday!

Saint got me white roses! They were beautiful. He’s so kind, and so sweet. He makes me feel safe, and right now, that’s all I want. 

Happy Birthday Caitlin

It’s Cat’s birthday. I know I can’t tell her, and I surely can’t see her, but I remembered her locker combination and placed white roses in her locker today.

Happy Birthday, Kittycat.

"The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavor." - Vince Lombardi

One of the boys got rid of the charges held against them.  He is no longer required to come to my class.

I pray for him and his family that he changes. 

Day of Love

Happy Valentines Day to my beautiful wife!

This morning, however, was a different story.

I told the boys last week that this week, we’d begin to talk about their home lives. This had always been the most dreaded (by the boys) and also the week that carries the most baggage.

I’ve had students in the past who haven’t come from an abusive background, but I’d have to say that at least 85% of those who are forced to take my class carry years of abuse on their shoulders.

When it comes to talking about it, most of the boys lie and tell a story of a wonderful, loving household that they were fortunate enough to spend their childhood in. Jacob did that today; I don’t need to read minds to know that that is not his home life, but it’s all about giving these boys their own time to open up.

It was wonderful, in an ironic sense of the word, to hear a couple of my students be honest about their pasts… It’s the first step to owning up to what has happened within their own lives and their own relationships, but there’s on young man… perhaps the one who needs the class most, who doesn’t see the patterns that exist within his life… He’s angry, but he won’t accept the help.

I can only help those who allow me in.

It was the first time I told Cat that I loved her, and about my dad.

I had been hiding out for the day; my dad laid one on me pretty good. She couldn’t see me like this, but she didn’t take no for an answer. She came over and demanded that I open the door. She knew as soon as she saw. I told her she couldn’t tell anyone – no one else knew… and I told her I loved her. 

She said, “I love you too.”

But I loved you...

He came up to me today at school.

He’s not supposed to talk to me, let alone see me, and I told him that. He told me to throw away the order. Doesn’t he know how scared I am? He betrayed my trust in the worst way possible.

He said he’s changed, but I don’t see it. His eyes are still stone cold. I could hardly keep it together just being near him. It doesn’t matter that part of me still loves him - I can’t be with him. He reminded me when he told me “I never loved you, you know.”

Thanks Nick. 

I ran into Caitlin today at school. I know I’m not supposed to be anywhere near her, but I needed to see her. She talked to me though. I could tell she was uncomfortable. All I wanted to do was hold her, and be with her again.

She called me out for my hang-up calls. I didn’t admit to it, but I know she they were me. Why couldn’t she just drop the charges? I asked if she still felt the same way… I know she does but she just said “I can’t take this,” and walked away. I told her I never loved her. I don’t know why, but she can’t see me hurt.

She dropped her pen as she left.

I kept it. 

"Be loving towards yourself, then you will be able to love others too." - Osho

I decided to talk about controlling factors today. The way that they’d check on their girlfriends every move, the way they’d pick and choose who she could hang out with, where they could hang out, when they could hang out, and for how long.

Of course I received every excuse under the sun as to why they do these things, and that “they’re needed,” but it’s all about control… the minute they don’t have it is the minute that they loose it and try to get it in a more physical way.

I’m starting to hit these boys with some tough love. 

Ring, ring, ring

I keep getting random phone calls. Someone calls and as soon as I answer they either hang up or stay silent for thirty seconds before hanging up. I think it’s Nick.

I really wish he would stop. He’s hurt me enough already. 

I can’t help thinking it’s something I did. That somehow everything that happened is my fault.

Everyone tells me that I’m not to blame, but I feel like I should have known, or should have been able to help him more. I mean I knew about his dad, and the fact that his mom left… maybe I should have been a better support system for him. Maybe I should have found him resources to help him.

But then again, I should have seen the signs…

Nick and I were at Mr. Pizza with Elsa. Elsa’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember, but her and Nick didn’t always get along. I didn’t think it would be a problem but Nick didn’t want me to be friends with her… he told me I needed to pick either him or her.

I picked him. 

"Never misunderstand seriousness for sincerity. Sincerity is very playful, never serious.It is true, authentic, but never serious. Sincerity does not have a long face, it is bubbling with joy, radiating with an inner joyousness." - Osho

None of the boys are speaking, aside from one, “Kyle.”

He’s the only one who I know understands what he’s done.

I have yet to get used to this slow process of opening up and realizing. I wish these boys could open their eyes and open their minds.

Every single one of them carries the potential to become a better person, and I have faith that each of them can. 

School’s changed too. Cat’s had all of her classes changed so we don’t run into eachother anymore. I saw her today; she was with Tom and Saint. I never thought that my best friend would stop talking to me cause of this. He didn’t even let me try to explain.

I walked into three of my classes to see GO NICK! BEAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND! Elsa was the proud author of at least one of the writings, but then again, it doesn’t surprise me much. She never liked me.

I wrote about our first date today. We had gone to Zack’s party. He lived in a nice house, and everyone was in the pool. Tom and Liana ended up pleading for us to join the chicken-fighting battle. Caitlin was modest, but having her thighs on my shoulders made me want to be even closer to her.

Later that night this jackass made a comment to Caitlin and we ended up fighting. I won of course. Caitlin was flattered, and it was that night that I knew that the first time we kissed -  it would matter. 

Does he even feel bad?

It’s hard to see him at school. Tom and Saint promise to keep me safe, but I don’t even know what to believe, or what to expect from people anymore. I think he’s mad at me… for “taking” his friends, but I didn’t do this, he did.

He’s the one that lost control; he’s the one that hurt me. I never hurt him. Why? Why? Why?

Elsa told me that she wrote some stuff on the board in their English class today. I wish she didn’t. I wish everyone would just stop parading what happened, around. I just want to forget it all and go back to the way things were. Unfortunately, I don’t own a time machine, or a machine that erases everything Nick ever did to me. 

"There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage." - Martin Luther

Had my first Tardy today… wasn’t surprised however… actually surprised more of my students weren’t tardy today. That “need to be a model student” state of mind, typically doesn’t last past week one… I think I may just get through to a few of these boys at the end of the six months.

For safety reasons, I can’t mention his real name, however, I’ll call him Jacob… Jacob was late this morning; poor thing too, came in wet as a rag. He has an attitude on him, which isn’t abnormal, but there’s something else about him… I can’t quite pin it, but these next several weeks look like they’re going to be interesting. 

New Class

New class today.

They’re always different, but at the same time, always the same.

The majority of them don’t think they’ve done anything wrong...

To top the class off – first day, and there’s already two young men who have decided that they don’t like eachother… It’s funny how all they see are their differences, when they really have so much in common. 

Meeting #1

I had my first meeting today. The guy that leads the meetings – Mario – I’m not sure if these next 6 months are gonna change much of anything. There’s this one kid in my class… kept stabbing his hand with a pencil like it was nothing. There’s a cop too!

No one really talked much.

I wrote some more in my journal. This time I wrote about the first time Cat and I hung out. At first I though Tom was making a move on her, it kinda pissed me off… but then I figured out he was just paving the way for me to ask her out.

I ended up asking her out to Zach’s party. I couldn’t wait for her to be on my arm.

Court

I can't believe I actually went to court today. I can't believe Cat did that to me. A restraining order? I made a mistake! I said I was sorry! What more does she want? How is a restraining order going to help anything?

On top of everything, she took away my best friend. That bitch! I need to get her back, I need to make things right… but how am I supposed to do that if I can’t even talk to her?

They're making me take an anger management class and keep a journal. It's so lame! I lost my temper ONE TIME and now I'm being treated like a low-bagged criminal.

Journal

I started my journal. I figure if I have to write 500 words, the sooner I finish, the better. And the sooner I finish, the sooner everyone will be off of my case and Caitlin will take me back.

I wrote about the first time I saw her.

I was with Tom, and I stopped in my tracks.

"That's Caitlin McCourt. Remember from kindergarten? And every grade after that." Tom said.

But she was different. I couldn't stop thinking about her, and fantasizing about her from that moment in the parking lot.

...

Today was hard. Well, hard is an understatement.

I still can’t believe that our relationship came to this… a restraining order? I thought he loved me. He wasn’t supposed to hurt me.

It was so hard not to look at him in court. I just wanted to scream at him… to demand him why he did this to me? To us?

The judge made me point him out, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Tears streamed freely down my cheeks. How could he do this to me? I loved him.