I'm Sorry

Leo’s death’s got me thinking a lot. I know I’m not supposed to talk to her, but I had to apologize to her. She never deserved what I did to her. I stumbled over my words. I know she would never take me back, and I know I don’t deserve her forgiveness, but I had to let her know I was sorry.

“You didn’t deserve what I did to you. I loved you so much, Cat.”

“I can’t believe that anymore, Nick,” she said back, and then she hung up.

At least she know I’m sorry. 

It's too late...

Surprise, Surprise. He called me again today and apologized.

I can’t believe him anymore, but I hope he meant it. 

I couldn't have been THAT bad

He’s dead.

I knew something was up with Mario as soon as I walked into class today. He seemed to be somewhere else, not focused on the task at hand at all. He eventually came and sat by me, his eyes screaming to speak. “When I started doing this, they told me, you win some, you lose some. Always think about the one’s you’re helping, but…Leo’s dead, Nick.”

He shot Neysa before turning the gun around and shooting himself. What if I had answered those phone calls? What if he was allowed back in the class? They’re lives could have been spared. But what bothers me the most is the fact that Leo and I were the same. As much as I want to scream NO! I WOULD NEVER TO THAT TO CAT! My brain tells me different. What if I had done that? I can’t be that person!

"The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends and where the other begins?" - Edgar Allan Poe

I would like to take this time to pray for the lives of Leo Sotolongo and Neysa Martinez and their families.

It never get’s easier… finding out that you’ve lost one for good.

I was short in class today, and unfortunately, was unable to hold a proper class. I was fortunate that Jacob stayed after class and I was able to break the news to him more privately. Jacob and him had become friends during the small amount of time that they knew eachother, and it was hard to tell him.

It’s also hard thinking about the fact that Leo had asked me last week if he could come back to classes… he wanted to get Neysa back in his life… I never told him no, but only if he’d let me help him. He never thought he had a problem, or needed the help.

But he did, and it saddens be deeply to have lost him to an event that could have been prevented. 

RIP

He’s dead.

I knew something was up with Mario as soon as I walked into class today. He seemed to be somewhere else, not focused on the task at hand at all. He eventually came and sat by me, his eyes screaming to speak. “When I started doing this, they told me, you win some, you lose some. Always think about the one’s you’re helping, but…Leo’s dead, Nick.”

He shot Neysa before turning the gun around and shooting himself. What if I had answered those phone calls? What if he was allowed back in the class? They’re lives could have been spared. But what bothers me the most is the fact that Leo and I were the same. As much as I want to scream NO! I WOULD NEVER TO THAT TO CAT! My brain tells me different. What if I had done that? I can’t be that person!

Who was he?

I have to write about it. I need to get it off my chest… and not to my mom, not to Tom, not to Saint, not to my psychologist. I need to write it.

I love to sing. It’s my release, it’s my saving, and it’s my break away.

I really wanted to sing in the show. Everyone always told me how good my voice sounds, and everyone supported me being in the talent show. Everyone except Nick. We’d talked about it before, and he told me I’d agreed not to… but I was dying to sing. I had picked a song… it was about our love… the way I felt about him – but he said no.

I probably shouldn’t have gone behind his back, but I thought he would love it once he saw me sing.

My name was in the program, but I wasn’t going to sing. Then he went to the bathroom, and everyone told me to sing! Liana, Derek, Saint, Tom, Mrs. Reyes, everyone told me to sing. And I wanted to sing; I was dying to sing. I wanted to show Nick how much I loved him.

So I sang. I loved being on stage. I loved how free it made me feel.

The entire crowd cheered and applauded, but as soon as I walked off stage and outside, Nick was there. I could tell he wasn’t happy.

He was yelling at me. He was furious.

His eyes were as dark as I’d ever seen them, and it scared me.

He kept yelling for me to get in his car, but I didn’t want to leave… I wanted to see our friends, I wanted Nick to be proud of me. He wasn’t.

BITCH! And he slapped me… his hand was hard and fierce and my head smashed against the lamppost and I began to cry. I begged him to calm down… to please stop… but he hit me again… this time with his fist.

I could feel my face begin to throb. GET UP! He screamed, and punched me again… my eye began to swell and I could feel the blood ooze down my face. I felt his hands clamp around my neck.

What was happening? Who was he? What did I do?

The rest of the night is kind of a blur. I remembered Tom coming to my rescue… he punched Nick and he blacked out. “It’s gonna be okay… I’m so sorry Caitlin” Tom was apologizing… for what?

The only thing I remember after that was waking up in a hospital bed. Liana and Tom were there with my mom. “He will never hurt you again,” my mom told me.

What happened?