I’m beginning to see how awful I was to Cat. There was a time when the normal crew all went to Mr. Pizza to grab a bite to eat. Everyone was telling Cat that she needed to audition for the talent show, but I couldn’t let her. I couldn’t have her parading herself around stage with everyone’s eyes ogling at her. She protested but as soon as she saw me make a fist she agreed with me that she’d just embarrass herself.

Caitlin didn’t mention the talent show again, but it still nags at me looking back. All I’d had to do was make a fist, and she’d given in. Or had she? 

He called again.

I asked him to stop.

I pray he does. 

Elsa told me Nick’s writing a poem about me.

Why can’t he just let me go? He obviously doesn’t love me… you don’t beat up people you love.

I should have left him long before the night of the talent show… he slapped me on the way back from Key West.

All I wanted to do was talk to him. He was acting so off… like he didn’t trust me; and I brought it up. He began driving like a lunatic… I thought he was going to kill us, and he slapped me in the face.

Why did I ever take him back? 

Screw Them!

There’s a black eye painted on my face… and this one’s not courtesy of my dad. Saint. And Tom was with him. They ambushed me after English class. After the punch Saint pinned my arms back and yelled, “Leave her alone!” But I wasn’t about to admit to anything so I put on my stone-cold face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Stop calling her!”

The conversation continued and then he said “Thanks for the flowers, I told Caitlin they were from me.”

I tore up the picture of Tom and I. 

The first time

I should be writing a poem for Higgins class, but all I can think about it Caitlin. I thought that writing about football would be an easy subject, but it’s not. She’s in my head and all I could do was write about her in my journal.

It was the first time I slapped her. We were driving back from Key West and she decided to bring up the bar incident. “I feel like you don’t trust me,” she said… and that was enough to set me off. “You don’t trust me?” I yelled back. I began driving recklessly, swerving back and forth between the two lanes on the bridge and I could tell Cat was scared, but I needed to show her.

There were only two lanes on the bridge and I swerved into the left lane, towards oncoming traffic… she needed to trust me. A bronco with a boat towed behind it was heading directly towards us and she wouldn’t stop screaming. God! She just needed to shut up.

Next thing I remember we were on dry land and my hand was throbbing. I knew I had hit her, but she needed to stop screaming, she needed to trust me. 

WTF

I went over to Leo’s today. I remember his story about how fucked up his step-dad was. It made my situation seem a little less bad, but I wasn’t expecting him to have a gun.

He took it out of a safe he had in his room. “Hector knows I have it and it’s loaded,” he said. He let me hold it and it felt like a thousand pounds in my hand. He told me I could borrow it anytime. 

Why would I ever call?

I told Mario I was afraid of violating my restraining order. I just need to see her, be around her, talk to her… and I can’t because of a stupid sheet of paper! He knows I’ve already violated it by speaking to her, but he didn’t yell at me or scold me, instead he gave me his number incase I ever need “to talk”… yah right, I’m never gonna call. 

Key West

We were in Key West. We walked right into a bar that didn’t check I.D.s and I had a little too much to drink. “Isn’t Caitlin beautiful?” I said. “Almost makes you forget how fat and ugly she was a few months ago.”

“Show them your tits, Cat” I had yelled. “Don’t you ever sit when I say stand!” I told her…

They were playing “Friends in Low Places” when the manager finally threw us out.  

"Your eyes show the strength of your soul." - Paulo Coelho

Jacob began to open up to me today, but as soon as he did, he constructed walls so high, and so strong, that it would take a giant to even begin to tear it down.

He told me how much he misses her; his girlfriend. I advised him that going against a restraining order would be the biggest mistake he could possibly make.

I also gave him my phone numbers.

To tell the truth, I understand where these boys are coming from, but as much as I wish I could just fix all of the broken pieces, I can’t do that. I wish I could take away all of their hurt and anger because it’s so difficult to have to watch them struggle with themselves, but it’s something that I can only advise them on… I can’t do it for them.

I AM happy

Ignoring him is getting easier.

I see him all the time, but Saint and I are so happy…