I can’t help thinking it’s something I did. That somehow everything that happened is my fault.

Everyone tells me that I’m not to blame, but I feel like I should have known, or should have been able to help him more. I mean I knew about his dad, and the fact that his mom left… maybe I should have been a better support system for him. Maybe I should have found him resources to help him.

But then again, I should have seen the signs…

Nick and I were at Mr. Pizza with Elsa. Elsa’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember, but her and Nick didn’t always get along. I didn’t think it would be a problem but Nick didn’t want me to be friends with her… he told me I needed to pick either him or her.

I picked him. 

"Never misunderstand seriousness for sincerity. Sincerity is very playful, never serious.It is true, authentic, but never serious. Sincerity does not have a long face, it is bubbling with joy, radiating with an inner joyousness." - Osho

None of the boys are speaking, aside from one, “Kyle.”

He’s the only one who I know understands what he’s done.

I have yet to get used to this slow process of opening up and realizing. I wish these boys could open their eyes and open their minds.

Every single one of them carries the potential to become a better person, and I have faith that each of them can. 

School’s changed too. Cat’s had all of her classes changed so we don’t run into eachother anymore. I saw her today; she was with Tom and Saint. I never thought that my best friend would stop talking to me cause of this. He didn’t even let me try to explain.

I walked into three of my classes to see GO NICK! BEAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND! Elsa was the proud author of at least one of the writings, but then again, it doesn’t surprise me much. She never liked me.

I wrote about our first date today. We had gone to Zack’s party. He lived in a nice house, and everyone was in the pool. Tom and Liana ended up pleading for us to join the chicken-fighting battle. Caitlin was modest, but having her thighs on my shoulders made me want to be even closer to her.

Later that night this jackass made a comment to Caitlin and we ended up fighting. I won of course. Caitlin was flattered, and it was that night that I knew that the first time we kissed -  it would matter. 

Does he even feel bad?

It’s hard to see him at school. Tom and Saint promise to keep me safe, but I don’t even know what to believe, or what to expect from people anymore. I think he’s mad at me… for “taking” his friends, but I didn’t do this, he did.

He’s the one that lost control; he’s the one that hurt me. I never hurt him. Why? Why? Why?

Elsa told me that she wrote some stuff on the board in their English class today. I wish she didn’t. I wish everyone would just stop parading what happened, around. I just want to forget it all and go back to the way things were. Unfortunately, I don’t own a time machine, or a machine that erases everything Nick ever did to me.