Who was I?

I wrote in my journal again. It was the time that I found out about Caitlin’s solo in the talent show. Up until this point it wasn’t talked about or mentioned and it was news to me when Saint mentioned that she was doing a solo. How dare she go behind my back and do this after I told her not too? To get back at her I asked Ashley out on a date to the Rusty Pelican, Cat’s and my place, and that got Cat irked. “You go there, singing like you do, looking like a fat slob, people will laugh,” I told her. I was so worked up that she defied me. Caitlin agreed and I canceled the date with Ashley but as she walked away she whispered in my ear “call me when you guys break up.”

I was like Leo.

Goodbye Leo

Mario pissed me off today… on purpose. He kept asking about what I was feeling… “pissed off and sleeping can’t be your only emotions.” What does he know? I mean I know why he was doing it; he wanted me to hit him. The same way I hit Caitlin. Luckily class let out, but unfortunately my day didn’t get much better.

I agreed to volunteer with Leo and Neysa at the carnival, but Leo was acting really mean towards Neysa. She was late meeting up with him and he was pissed off the rest of the day. I told him to cool it but he kept ordering her around and she kept pleading with him not to. He even raised his hand to her and despite her pleading he continued… he didn’t listen.

We got the three other girls to cover for the rest of our shift, but I’m not planning on seeing him again.

God, was I like that with Caitlin? 

"Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom, in the pursuit of truth as in the endeavour after a worthy manner of life." - Bertrand Russell

I think there were a few breakthroughs today. Not “the big one,” but I take pride in all victories.

Jacob opened up about what happened between him and his girlfriend.

I pushed back.

To have these boys tell me their stories and simply respond “okay, thank you for sharing,” would accomplish nothing. There would be no connections made, no light bulbs going off, no gripping who they were, so I push them back.

I pushed a lot of Jacob’s buttons today and made him furious… the point was, as I think he figured out, that despite how mad I made him, he wasn’t going to hit me. And it’s not about the fact that I’m his counselor, or that he’s required to be here, it has to do with the simple fact that he’s not trying to control my life. It has to do with the fear of loosing that person, that control, and grasping for ways that allow you to maintain them.

Today we discussed the three C’s: Compromise, Communication, and Control.

Better yet, today Jacob admitted to being afraid.  

Secret

Ms. Higgins read my poem. I’d refused to read it in class, it was no one else’s business, but I didn’t mind if she read it. BIG MISTAKE.

She figured out about my dad. She can’t say anything to him or anyone else! If he hears about this, he’ll just get meaner.