June 29, 2001
School’s finally out, and I found out that I got accepted into Frederick High School of the Arts!
I don’t think I could be happier than right now!
3:01PM
April 12, 2001
Surprise, Surprise. He called me again today and apologized.
I can’t believe him anymore, but I hope he meant it.
5:09PM
April 11, 2001
I have to write about it. I need to get it off my chest… and not to my mom, not to Tom, not to Saint, not to my psychologist. I need to write it.
I love to sing. It’s my release, it’s my saving, and it’s my break away.
I really wanted to sing in the show. Everyone always told me how good my voice sounds, and everyone supported me being in the talent show. Everyone except Nick. We’d talked about it before, and he told me I’d agreed not to… but I was dying to sing. I had picked a song… it was about our love… the way I felt about him – but he said no.
I probably shouldn’t have gone behind his back, but I thought he would love it once he saw me sing.
My name was in the program, but I wasn’t going to sing. Then he went to the bathroom, and everyone told me to sing! Liana, Derek, Saint, Tom, Mrs. Reyes, everyone told me to sing. And I wanted to sing; I was dying to sing. I wanted to show Nick how much I loved him.
So I sang. I loved being on stage. I loved how free it made me feel.
The entire crowd cheered and applauded, but as soon as I walked off stage and outside, Nick was there. I could tell he wasn’t happy.
He was yelling at me. He was furious.
His eyes were as dark as I’d ever seen them, and it scared me.
He kept yelling for me to get in his car, but I didn’t want to leave… I wanted to see our friends, I wanted Nick to be proud of me. He wasn’t.
BITCH! And he slapped me… his hand was hard and fierce and my head smashed against the lamppost and I began to cry. I begged him to calm down… to please stop… but he hit me again… this time with his fist.
I could feel my face begin to throb. GET UP! He screamed, and punched me again… my eye began to swell and I could feel the blood ooze down my face. I felt his hands clamp around my neck.
What was happening? Who was he? What did I do?
The rest of the night is kind of a blur. I remembered Tom coming to my rescue… he punched Nick and he blacked out. “It’s gonna be okay… I’m so sorry Caitlin” Tom was apologizing… for what?
The only thing I remember after that was waking up in a hospital bed. Liana and Tom were there with my mom. “He will never hurt you again,” my mom told me.
What happened?
2:49AM
March 30, 2001
He called again.
I asked him to stop.
I pray he does.
9:12PM
Elsa told me Nick’s writing a poem about me.
Why can’t he just let me go? He obviously doesn’t love me… you don’t beat up people you love.
I should have left him long before the night of the talent show… he slapped me on the way back from Key West.
All I wanted to do was talk to him. He was acting so off… like he didn’t trust me; and I brought it up. He began driving like a lunatic… I thought he was going to kill us, and he slapped me in the face.
Why did I ever take him back?
7:44PM
March 25, 2001
Ignoring him is getting easier.
I see him all the time, but Saint and I are so happy…
4:18PM
March 18, 2001
Nick called me today. I told him to stop calling.
He told me Saint was bragging about my body to him. I told him it sounded like stuff he would say… but of course he denied it. Was he blind to the way he treated me? Blind to the fact that he made me want to die sometimes by the way he talked to me and acted towards me?
He brought up the dolphins.
That night was one of our best… but it doesn’t make up for all the other times. I told him I’d meet him there tonight.
I can’t go.
He doesn’t deserve me.
5:02PM
March 1, 2001
I don’t care what his friend said… Nick was following me today.
I was with Elsa, down at Coconut Grove having a girls day, and he was following us. Elsa and I told a cop, and he went up to Nick.
I don’t know what was said, but one of Nick’s friends came up and the cop came back to us saying we must have been mistaken.
We weren’t mistaken. He was following me.
I wish he’d just leave me alone.
6:35PM
February 28, 2001
I spent the day with Saint today. It was lovely. We met up with the crew and it would have been a perfect day had it not been for running into Nick at the gas station. Luckily, he didn’t say anything, but I could feel him watching me the entire time. I’m with Saint now… Nick and I will never be together again – I wish he’d understand that.
12:09AM
February 25, 2001
Why didn’t I notice the signs before? Looking back at our relationship I can’t help but to think I was blinded by my feelings for him.
He was controlling and abusive long before he laid a hand on me… telling me how to dress, bringing up my weight, calling me fat, saying I couldn’t sing… he never believed in me, but I never gave up on him. We were two of a kind.
At least that’s what I thought.
8:14PM
February 23, 2001
It’s my birthday!
Saint got me white roses! They were beautiful. He’s so kind, and so sweet. He makes me feel safe, and right now, that’s all I want.
3:39PM
February 12, 2001
He came up to me today at school.
He’s not supposed to talk to me, let alone see me, and I told him that. He told me to throw away the order. Doesn’t he know how scared I am? He betrayed my trust in the worst way possible.
He said he’s changed, but I don’t see it. His eyes are still stone cold. I could hardly keep it together just being near him. It doesn’t matter that part of me still loves him - I can’t be with him. He reminded me when he told me “I never loved you, you know.”
Thanks Nick.
7:27PM
February 5, 2001
I keep getting random phone calls. Someone calls and as soon as I answer they either hang up or stay silent for thirty seconds before hanging up. I think it’s Nick.
I really wish he would stop. He’s hurt me enough already.
11:23PM
January 26, 2001
I can’t help thinking it’s something I did. That somehow everything that happened is my fault.
Everyone tells me that I’m not to blame, but I feel like I should have known, or should have been able to help him more. I mean I knew about his dad, and the fact that his mom left… maybe I should have been a better support system for him. Maybe I should have found him resources to help him.
But then again, I should have seen the signs…
Nick and I were at Mr. Pizza with Elsa. Elsa’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember, but her and Nick didn’t always get along. I didn’t think it would be a problem but Nick didn’t want me to be friends with her… he told me I needed to pick either him or her.
I picked him.
5:59PM
January 21, 2001
It’s hard to see him at school. Tom and Saint promise to keep me safe, but I don’t even know what to believe, or what to expect from people anymore. I think he’s mad at me… for “taking” his friends, but I didn’t do this, he did.
He’s the one that lost control; he’s the one that hurt me. I never hurt him. Why? Why? Why?
Elsa told me that she wrote some stuff on the board in their English class today. I wish she didn’t. I wish everyone would just stop parading what happened, around. I just want to forget it all and go back to the way things were. Unfortunately, I don’t own a time machine, or a machine that erases everything Nick ever did to me.
4:12PM
January 5, 2001
Today was hard. Well, hard is an understatement.
I still can’t believe that our relationship came to this… a restraining order? I thought he loved me. He wasn’t supposed to hurt me.
It was so hard not to look at him in court. I just wanted to scream at him… to demand him why he did this to me? To us?
The judge made me point him out, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Tears streamed freely down my cheeks. How could he do this to me? I loved him.
12:03PM
